Five steps to becoming a freelance writer.

When I was in the first grade, our teacher made us all stand up and tell the class what we wanted to be when we grew up.

"A fireman," said the boy next to me, predictably.

"A marine biologist," said the little overachiever in front, the one who always wore tight ponytails and tucked in her t-shirts.

"I would like to be Janet Jackson," I told the class.

And it was true.  I grew up watching Star Search and listening to Rhythm Nation, so at age six, these influencers were as strong as any on my future vocation plans.

But what I didn't know, was that my fanciful imagination -- that I could become a pop star, that I could become a Jackson, that I could become black -- was actually steering me down a different career  path.  Writing.

Now I've had a lot of jobs between my teens and now, but writing has always loomed in the background.  Pre-Internet, I hungered to see my name in print, in a story byline.  I freaked out when my very first column ran in the illustrious Hoof Print Weekly (published by Alamo Heights High School).  It was a story about a local car repair place, and how they had been in business since 1973.  Aren't you dying to read it?

Twelve years since my hard-hitting mechanic profile piece, I have written for a variety of outlets.  Some of which you've heard of, some you definitely haven't.  The most well-known are probably TreeHugger and Planet Green, both owned / operated by the Discovery Channel.  In 2009, I also had a brief stint writing for The Village Voice's now-defunct feminist blog.  These days, I'm still freelance writing, and while it's hardly enough for me to quit my day job, I'm still angling for bigger stories in bigger media outlets.  I've been rejected a lot, but I do feel like I've got the game down.  Since several friends and blog readers have asked me lately about freelance writing, I thought I'd share what I've learned so far on this textual journey.

Here are my five essential tips to becoming a freelance writer:

1. Decide what you want to write about.  Ok, this probably seems really obvious.  But seriously.  Take a moment and write down what three topics make you feel completely jazzed.  This is important, because it will help define your direction as a freelance writer.

While some of us daydream about a spread in Glamour, others are shooting for a column on Politico.com or in The Wall Street Journal.  Do you want to ask people in positions of power the hard questions?  Or do you want to test-drive recipes with chefs?  Forecast Spring 2012 runway trends?  It changes for me all the time, but right now, my top three story topics are:

• Interviews with writers and visual artists
• Food, both restaurant reviews and chef profiles
• Essays on becoming a grown-up

I admit that last one is pretty open-ended.  But the thing I want to point out here is that in addition to topic, think about format.  Do interviews make you excited, or make you cringe?  Do you actually like reviewing restaurants?  Or would it be annoying to stop in between bites and take notes on what you just ate?  Ross gets irritated with me all the time when our food comes out, tantalizing and piping hot, and as he's reaching for his fork I slap his hand away so I can take a picture of his plate.  So think about that too -- how the shape of certain pieces affect your research process, before you ever sit down to type.

2. Consider an internship.  I got my first magazine internship when I was well out of college.  I was in graduate school in California, and I was 24 years old.  It was at a new, local city magazine in Sacramento, and my editors came from Money Magazine and In Style.  I worked for free and, due to the miniscule staff and multiple overnighters spent at the office, I pulled my hair out a lot.  But in exchange, I got this awesome, New York school education in magazine journalism.  I learned about all the boring aspects of freelance writing, like fact-checking and copy-editing (if you've read this blog for any amount of time then you can tell I still need lessons on copy-editing), and I also collected all these splashy, well-designed clips.  When I came back home to Austin and was trying to get my freelance writer thing happening, I scanned my clips into PDF's:

 My first food writing column, courtesy of my Sactown internship

So what I'm saying is, think about a part-time internship.  For those of us who work full-time, that may seem unrealistic, and I hear you.  But if you do have 10 hours a week to spare, interning at a media outlet will give you some freelance writer street cred.  Mostly though, it will give you a spread of nice clips, and that's really what I'm driving at here: Trading your time, for free, to get your name in the byline of an established media outlet. 

3. Write for free at first.  Not just because it's a down economy.  But again, when you're starting out, you just want to build up your clips.

When I first moved back to Austin, I got in touch with the editor (now my buddy) Matt Swinney at the late Rare Magazine, and sent him my clips.  He said ok, I could write for them, as long as it was cool that they didn't pay me?

I said that was fine, and proceeded to write for them for two years -- four stories per monthly issue.

I also asked Austinist if I could write for them, and eventually, they said yes.  That wasn't paid either, but I wrote a cocktail column and got compensated handsomely in complimentary spirits tastings and boxes of liquor mailed to my home.

My column at Austinist, The Informed Drinker

(Now that I think about it, why did I ever give that column up?)

When my old editor at Rare moved to Launch787, I blogged for them for a while.  Also for free.  In the end, it was only after I clocked in two years of free writing that I started getting offers for paid work.  I linked to that very column above when I applied to Planet Green, my first paying writing job.

So the next time a new website (or a magazine) launches, contact the editors.  Ask if they're looking for contributors.  Be up front with them, let them know you're trying to build up your clips and would be willing to trade your free time writing for them in exchange for some bylines.  

4. Blog and network.  The Village Voice blog editor found me via my blog.  So if you're blogging now, keep it up -- and start chatting with other writer bloggers.  (I say "writer bloggers" since not all bloggers aspire to be freelance writers.)  Use Twitter, and don't just chat with writers -- chat with publicists.  They're eager to turn you into a media contact, so they can eventually pitch their clients to you.  I'm a publicist too, so I can state that with authority!

Let me give you another example.  Years ago, I became friends with one of Austin's most beloved social queens, Rose Reyes.  She works at the Austin Convention and Visitors Bureau, and has always been a big supporter of my blog.  When SheKnows contacted ACVB looking for local Austin writers, her team recommended me -- and voila!  That's how I got that new gig I mentioned on Friday.

(And, PS, Rose and I met through absolutely normal, non-fabulous circumstances: I babysat her kids.  If any of you know Rose in real life, you'll be pleased to know that she had incredible shoe taste back then, too -- seven years ago).

5. Pitch ideas appropriately (and name your price).  This is the stage I am at now: Approaching outlets who have never run my work, and pitching them story ideas.  Sometimes it works (like with Austin Monthly a few months back), and sometimes it doesn't.  Meaning, a LOT of the time it doesn't.  But I'm still going for it.  I'm still Googling editor's names and email addresses, and sometimes I'm shamelessly calling the website / magazine office and straight up asking to speak to somebody about a story idea.  You have to have balls in this line of work.

It also helps if you've first made friends with one of the outlet's existing writers, who may kindly offer to introduce you to their editor.  Again, this is where Twitter can be your friend!  Find writers whose work you admire -- and whose writing homes you admire -- and make nice.

***

That's it!  Ye writerly wisdom from a humble foot soldier.  Some freelance writers have amazing connections, like a sibling or parent at a media company; for the rest of us, freelance writing involves a slow, patient execution of the steps above -- and lots of free labor.

One more thing.  Beyond the thrill of seeing one's name in print, I can honestly say that I've met some of the most interesting people through interviews, and a few who turned out to be my very good friends -- designer Rene Geneva, vintage princess Sarah Jessica Dean.  So when you're not getting paid in ch-ching, at the very least, you're probably getting paid in intriguing company.

good luck!

SheKnows!

Yay!  SheKnows.com recently hired me to do some home decor writing for them.  Which is good for me, because -- as you may know -- Ross and I just bought a house, and I desperately need decor inspiration!

I'm going to have two columns at SheKnows, one called "The Inspiration Board" (somewhat like this post from a few weeks ago, only fancier), where I collect and discuss design theme ideas.  My first one, teased below, is on an affair I'm having.  An affair with the color turquoise.

To read the whole thing, click here.  

Note the Facebook like and Tweet options ... meaningful wink.

The other column will be called "The Unplugged Home."  That one will be about the adventures of my husband and I living in a low-tech way in our new place. For example, we no longer own a TV!  Which is both freeing, liberating, and admittedly, kind of awful.  I'm now the worst at water cooler talk, I'm hanging onto current events by a thread, I miss my Bravo.  

But on the flip side, I am reading more.  Three cheers for books.

On that note, here is a  question for you.  I've had a blog post idea marinating in my mind for a couple of days, called "How to Become a Freelance Writer."  I get this question from time to time from readers, and I've mentally outlined a 5-step process for it.  I have written for both magazines and websites, paid and unpaid, local and national, and thought it might be helpful to share some tips for establishing a freelance writer practice.

Would you all like a post on that topic?

The time I showed Madison Avenue my lady bits.

So.

You know how, when you're about to have an important meeting with someone -- professional or otherwise -- you deliberate over what to wear?

And then, you're all proud of yourself for selecting your outfit?  It's sharp, it's comfortable, it's hip but it's not trying too hard?

Let's say you take your cute outfit out to breakfast, and you're feeling good.  You're about to have a meeting with oh, say, a national television producer.  Let's say you finish up breakfast, march out to Madison Avenue in New York, and now, you are on your way.  Your Confidence Outfit and you.

Let's say people start looking you up and down.

You walk a block.  Two blocks.  Five.  It seems that everywhere you go, people can't stop gawking at you.

"Wow," you think.  "I knew this ensemble was a winner, but apparently I've outdone myself."

Let's say you walk into the building of your meeting, and because it is a New York tower, you must check in with security at the lobby.  The security guard, he also can't help but notice your clothing.

At this point you're beginning to feel a little funny, what with all this ogling, but hey.  You signed up for the attention.  You're looking pretty fly, girl.

Let's say you walk into a crowded elevator, and by now, you've simply gotten used to the stares.  You graciously nod back.  But then the elevator door opens, and right before your meeting, you decide: "I'm going to hit the ladies' room, just to make sure there's nothing in my teeth."

You walk in.

There is a mirror.

The image back reveals something far more disconcerting than food in the teeth.

Instead, the ENTIRE FRONT OF YOUR DRESS IS TUCKED UP INTO YOUR PANTY HOSE.

You are face-to-face with your underwear, tiny, "summertime" underwear.  The hose are sheer.  There's little left to the imagination.

You start back in horror, because Madison Avenue just saw your vagina.

***

This is how I began my day on Thursday, while on a work trip to New York.  But it's ok, because I had these pictures to come home to -- and the following are how I shall remember my visit.  Rather than displaying my crotch for the world.

Bryant Park.

Times Square!  Did you know there's a huge, luxury Applebee's on Times Square?  Random!

The New York Public Library.  We were there for its 100 year anniversary.

The New York Anthropologie inside the Chelsea Market Building, a series of shops and offices nestled inside the old Bisquick factory.

Doesn't is seem that no matter the city, Anthropologie is the most meticulously designed store, ever?  My sister-in-law is a window and store designer for Anthropologie, and I was honestly slack-jawed when I visited her store in Dallas.

This curvy wall leads you out of the Chelsea Market Building, onto the bustling street outside.

My work buddy Stephanie and I had drinks inside the Maritime Hotel.  We decided to take advantage of the good lighting for an impromptu photo shoot.

Rockefeller Tower.  Staring up at this made my neck hurt.

Me on The Highline, a raised train track in Chelsea that's been converted into an elevated stretch of garden, covering several city blocks.  Stephanie and I took a walk there in between meetings, and I was charmed by all those colorful buildings in the background.

This was a random art installation inside Anthropologie (yes, we're back to Anthropologie), and at first, when I looked down from the top floor, I thought it was just a big mess:

I thought, my my!  Or rather, tsk tsk -- this is certainly out of character for Anthropologie!  

Then I realized what I was looking at, and then I stood there in the middle of the store and proceeded to take a billion pictures of Valentin's cool work.

I think I would probably donate one of my limbs in exchange for this tile.

Ok ok!  We finally left Anthropologie.  Here are two more shots from two New York bakeries, Fat Witch and Elsie's.

You are just so charming, New York.  You're rough and sleek, gritty and elegant, dirty and pristine.  Each year I love coming back home to Austin, but I feel like a bit of you rubs off on me with every visit.

Only, help a girl out, and tell me the next time you can see my lady bits.  Deal?


UPDATE (6/2/11): The original title of this post used a ... different word for "lady bits."  Not a profane word.  The anatomical word.

But then, I woke in the middle of the night having a nightmare that I got fired for posting that word on my blog, so I changed it.  Harumph.

I'm a little sad to see it go.  I got stopped on the street after that post, just for using the v-word!  It made me want to go audition for the nearest Vagina Monologues performance and vent about it.  Oh well.  

New York Noir.

The past week I've been walking around New York, snapping shots like a shameless tourist.  

We come here every year for work, but still.  The wide-eyed wonder never wears off!

There are two things in New York that delight me to no end.  People's enthusiasm over books, and people's enthusiasm over food.  

When it comes to the latter, I've instituted a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy -- don't ask me how many times (or in what amounts) I've eaten cheese, chocolate, and truffle oil, and I won't tell you. 

However, at Bryant Park Grill, I have something exciting to report.  With my meal, I thought I was reaching for black beans with my fork, then realized it was rice coated in black cream.  Or to be more specific, squid ink risotto.

I think my culinary sophistication levels multiplied by approximately 1,000.

Those are my friends and colleagues, Elaine and Stephanie, on the subway with me, as well as me displaying my special CBS News badge.  We pitched them a  few authors this morning, and fortunately, I managed not to tuck my dress into the front of my tights for this meeting (like I did for yesterday's TV meeting).  That's called progress.

Calling all Austin Fashion Designers

source

Hey Austin friends, do you design the fashions?

Do you like teaching teens?

If so, I have a job opportunity for you.  It's a short gig this summer (two weeks), and should be fun fun. Email me if you're interested (address on the right margin) and we'll talk shop.

Zine throwback: Austin Makes A Book

So a few months ago at my day job, we heard about this cool thing that a handful of New Yorkers did called New York Makes a Book. It was, in fact, the world's first crowd-funded book, and being in the book industry ourselves, we thought this idea was pretty genius. Not to mention ballsy. 100 people. 100 pages. Submissions open to absolutely whatever.

I loved the idea because it reminded me of zine culture, and the cut/paste/copy zines of pictures, letters, and (eep) poetry we did at my all-girls camp in Wimberley. (A camp, I might add, that gave Austin Eavesdropper one of her first stage roles....The Little Mermaid....starring as - are you ready? - Scuttle).

So we got to thinking. Wouldn't Austinites dig this? It seemed like something offbeat and Austin-appropriate. I mean, look at us. We love Flash Mobs. We are downright OBSESSED with Twitter. We like doing strange things in crowd format. So, why not a book?

If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you probably know I'm a little cagey about endorsing things directly sponsored by my company - but I am really excited this. It's called Austin Makes a Book, and just like NYMAB, it is crowd-funded (meaning you fund your own page: in this case, $30) and is open to anything. Stories. Photography. One of those outlines of your hand that doubles as a Thanksgiving turkey (speaking of GENIUS!). As long as you live in Austin, your submission fits onto a 7x7" page and isn't, like, a picture of a newborn baby with a swastika tattooed on its forehead, it is accepted. All of the funding pays for the books to be printed by this lovely place, and anything we get over that amount will go to Room to Read.

Then, we will all take over a bar somewhere with our shiny new books, and have a party for our 100 authors!

Austin bloggers, I am especially curious to see what you guys submit. As for me - oh, I've got a few ideas, friends. A few ideas indeed.

Austin Eavesdropper comes from a family who believes in the "novelty Christmas card" tradition, and has photographic evidence of all three members, father included, dressed up as Carmen Miranda for Christmas 1995. Dad has the best legs. You think I am making this up, but you won't when I publish it.*

So Austin, what say you? Wanna make a book?

*Which reminds me: I really need to do a blog post sometime devoted solely to my family's Christmas cards.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Austin photogs, if you are going to ACL this week, hang onto those pics. Because we'd love to include them in our fabulous little book thingy.

The Mansion of Terror: Casting call for zombie, psycho clown, and serial killer hopefuls

Every so often, someone contacts Austin Eavesdropper with an offer she simply cannot refuse. Like free tickets to Fun Fun Fun Fest. (Just kidding, that hasn't happened yet. Would DIE if that happened).

But when David Neff, a friend of my buddy Chris Trew, wrote to say he was holding open auditions for The Mansion of Terror, not only could I not resist the information - I had to pump him for more. Here's what he wrote:

"The Mansion of Terror Haunted House is looking for actors of all types to perform on weekends this Halloween season. Pay is from $7-$12 an hour and our season runs from Sept-Oct. Come be a part of the #1 Haunted House in the nation, as voted by Lionsgate Films, right here in Central Texas.

Auditions are 2pm or 7pm on Saturday, August 29th."

OH REALLY. Just how scary is this haunted house, I wondered? David sent me a clip:



Well, I believe we have our answer.

To be perfectly frank with you guys, most haunted houses are well beyond my personal fear threshold. This includes both professionally-produced outfits like The Mansion of Terror, all the way down to a 20-foot garbage bag tunnel set up in my elementary school gym, where we were prompted to "touch a caldron of eyeballs" (i.e. a plastic pumpkin filled with peeled grapes), crawl our way through "mists" (smoke machine) and fight off "monsters" (our teachers). I made it halfway through and started crying.

What's ironic is I can take any physical thrills out there - loopy roller coasters, bungee jumping, rusty roadside carnival rides, you name it - but when it comes to psychological thrills, I am pitiful and worthless. I hate horror movies. I hate haunted houses. I find Goosebumps mildly disturbing. But I'm intrigued by the whole haunted house business, and somewhat delighted that one can ease the pain of a recession by temporarily becoming a zombie. David Neff was kind enough to hang out on Austin Eavesdropper and answer my oddball questions about The Mansion of Terror.

1. Introduce yourself, David. How did you get involved with the Mansion of Terror?

My name is David J. Neff and I have been acting/running Haunted Attractions since I was 8 and dressing up as Dracula to run my friend's "Haunted House" in his farm house. :) Right now I am the "Director of Hype" for the The Mansion of Terror Haunted House.

2. What is the Mansion of Terror, exactly? Meaning what makes it special - award-winning, even! - as a haunted house?

The Mansion is central Texas' best and scariest haunted house. It's been rated #1 in the country by Lionsgate Films (Saw, Gamer, A Haunting), and Top 8 in America by The Travel Channel. The Mansion is among the "who's who" of scary destinations in the US.

3. How does one "audition" for a Haunted House?

One shows up and does their best! Actors will be asked for their best scream, their past acting experiences, put into a costume and makeup and then asked to improv a scary scene in our Haunted House. We are even looking for a manager or two if you really impress us!

4. What should ghost / mummy / chainsaw-wielding Mike Meyers hopefuls do to really stand out from the crowd, so to speak? Should they bring props?

No props needed. But that might be fun? I will leave that up to our Actor Manager Alexandria Parrish. I would say just get into your role. Your whole job is the psychology of fear, so don't just stand there - crawl on the ground, jump out at people, climb a wall and jump down behind someone. We are an interactive Haunted House and expect you to live up to that if you work for us.

5. Do you seriously get splattered with blood inside the Mansion of Terror?

Oh yeah Blood Frenzy is where that all happens, which is one of our two Haunted Houses for this year. You get to enter the twisted world of Jon Eric Springwood, Austin's own Serial Killer. You make choices along the way and those choices affect real people inside his world. People live or die based on your choices.

6. How would you ever convince a haunted house BABY like me (who hasn't entered one since 4th grade and ran out screaming from that one, mind you) to visit The Mansion of Terror?

Well I would/will personally invite you out and go through with you the whole time. Plus I would let you take photos as you go through.

Or better yet why don't you come out and act for a night this year? We can get you in a Hollywood style makeup and costume and get you a quick class on acting. Then you can do the scaring yourself for about 30 minutes? Deal?

(EDITOR'S NOTE: That, Reader, may very well be another offer I can't refuse.)

The Mansion of Terror is located on I-35 at exit 251 behind Walgreens in Sky Ridge Plaza. More at mansionofterror.com or by calling 512-670-8452.

Dwight Schrute comes to Austin

Here's some food for thought:

"Where do spirituality and creativity meet?"

That's the big question Rainn Wilson (a.k.a Dwight Schrute on "The Office"), whom I had the pleasure of meeting today, wants to know.



I rarely talk about work on this blog, but for my 9-to-5, I'm a publicist. Rainn swung into town today to give the keynote talk for Lotus Night, a charity event my company helped publicize. Anyway, during our chat, he mentioned his new project "Soul Pancake," which looks pretty interesting.

See, Rainn wants to "de-lamify" talking about God and religion. (Did you know Rainn talked about God at all? As a matter of fact, he does). He wants to do away with the "airy-fairy," "hippie dippie" (his clever words, not mine) flavor of modern spirituality, and instead, start asking big questions. ("QUESTION." as Dwight would say). Soul Pancake is his place to get that started, and it's supposed to be a social networking site where spiritually- and intellectually-curious minds (Bahá'í-curious?) can hash it out.

Rainn also wants to talk about spatulas.

As you can see, Rainn is a pretty cool dude.

And as for me, Reader - I'm squeezing in a little disco nap after this busy day. And then momentarily, it's off to Car Stereo Wars!

Jobs-on-the-side: A cautionary tale.

I routinely put this post up, then take it down, then put it back up. Just paranoid I guess.

If it's not here right now, check back in soon - I promise it'll come back.

Putting eggs in the Ann Patchett basket, and bees on Bear Grylls's face

Work-wise, Monday was so severely a Monday today.

You know when work gets so ludicrously insane that you must, out of necessity, go immerse yourself in something else? And then, it's usually to ambition-less effect - magazines, Mad Men, browsing Wikipedia, or whatever?

But on occasion, this happens.



Ann Patchett is one of my favorite writers. I read Bel Canto in India a few years ago, and Truth and Beauty during college. So far, I'm enchanted with Run. I'll tell you all about it as I get further in.

I'll tell you what's not enchanting, though.



Sorry to not give you any warning there. Guys, that is BEAR GRYLLS from "Man Vs. Wild!" Stung on the face by a bee in Baja!

I mean...are there words for this?

Also, remember the Daily Mail's expose last year calling Bear a hack? What say you now, Daily Mail?

Music to my mouth

What's the word when you aren't starving, but your mouth aches for a certain flavor, a singular texture, a just-ripe-enough banana or perhaps just-melty enough cone of cookies n' cream ice cream? Oh yeah: a CRAVING.

Guys, I don't know what the deal is (and nope, not pregnant), but I can't stop thinking about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches lately. Isn't that weird? I used to have the best job about two years ago working at this local daycare Habibi's Hutch, where every day at lunch, the two-year-olds would take literally two bites of their Danimals yogurt and leave. Who needs lunch when there is a sprinkler five feet away from you, just sitting there?

The teachers, like the broke vultures we were, would then descend on the kids' untouched Animal Crackers, Pirate Booty, and PB&J's. Omigod, so good. You didn't even have to bring your own lunch! This is Austin, and hippie Austin parents pack awesome stuff for lunch: I saw organic hummus and tabouli twice as often as I saw a Lunchable. (And now that I think about it - did I ever see a Lunchable? Do kids eat those anymore? Are they "cool?" I can't tell).

I'm thinking of going to the H-E-B at Hancock Center right now (11pm on a Wednesday) for the express purpose of buying peanut butter. Until I do though, let's talk about some cravings y'all. R. is totally into rolling his own cigarettes now. I used to be freaking obsessed with sweet potatoes (beta carotene deficiency?). What are yours?

My top 5 include:

5. Tomato-and-basil veggie burgers from Morningstar
4. The salad bar at Whole Foods. Yes the whole thing. Went there today for lunch, in fact.
3. Chilango margaritas at El Chile - spicy and orange-y and heavenly
2. Feta cheese (what?)
1. Salty oat cookies at Quacks (don't hate y'all - I know the salt part sounds weird - just go try one and you'll FREAK).

Sadly, I can't go to another grocery store right now, though - as I was telling you guys about my dumb cravings, another cat invaded our house and is walking around like he owns the place! Claudia (our kitty) is all puffy-tailed and pissed, so it appears I've got a situation to take care of.

More ACL fun: White Denim!

So my long lost teacher friend, Mr. Steve, is going to play at ACL this year, y'all!



That's Mr. Steve on the right. Wonder if he remembers me now that he's big and famous. I remember reading in The Onion AV Club: Austin that White Denim was named "Band of the Year" for 2007, which is a pretty big freakin' deal in this town.

I want to tell you guys a story about Mr. Steve, in the hopes that you will all come see him at ACL this year. See, Mr. Steve and I used to be teachers in this after school art program here in Austin for 1st-5th graders called "C-Club" ("C" = "creativity"). We worked at Oak Hill Elementary, and one time, a sort of hapless kid named Jack accidentally threw one of those oddly-textured kickballs up into a tree. He didn't mean to do it, he was in the middle of a game, and was basically losing his sh-t. Like...choking on his own tears. Because his bouncy ball was gone. (And, P.S., Jack was seven, but I can think of many similar situations that felt as, if not more, grave. Like losing keys, or my whole car, when it's late and I'm sorta liquored up and can't find it...for example.) Poor little Jack.

So Mr. Steve valiantly (if not setting the best example) throws over a garbage can - full of garbage! - onto the ground and positions it upside-down underneath the tree. He then strides backwards, all stony-eyed, and makes a running leap for the top of it - it's at least a 4 ft. tall can. Now, I think what he meant to do was "stick the landing," calmly remove said kickball from the branches, and place it in Jack's waiting hands.

But instead.

Mr. Steve did make the top of the garbage can, which immediately and forcefully tipped over onto the dirt, like a face-plant. A face-plant for Mr. Steve and his huge thick glasses. Needless to say, he didn't get the ball.

The rest of the teachers were dying (in laughter), and poor little Jack cracked up, too. He forgot all about the dumb ball, then ran to the monkey bars, still giggling. Mr. Steve got up and brushed himself off.

I've always suspected he did it on purpose.