A gift from the internet: Heartless Doll

Guys!! Do you have some time to play on the interwebs right now? Yes? Poise thine finger to the mouse, and get ready to surf.

A glorious blog, Heartless Doll, landed in my virtual lap today at work. Even better - I think the blogger might be from Texas? And quite possibly Austin? I can't tell. The blog banner says "SF Weekly," and yet according to Google, Andrea Grimes (blogger of Heartless Doll) appears to be a contributor to both Austin and Dallas publications. Curious.

(If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you are probably aware that I like to stalk people. Clearly this is no exception.)

ANYWAY, Heartless Doll is a pop culture blog, but funny and smart. Don't get me wrong, I love me some PopSugar, PerezHilton, all the classics - but they are exactly what they set out to be, and that is crack-laced Laffy Taffy for your brain. A typical headline might read, "JESSICA SIMPSON PUMPS GAS WEARING MAXI DRESS!" which is, without fail, followed by 60+ reader comments of passionate feelings regarding Jessica's outfit. Some comments have such ridiculous spelling that it breaks your heart a little bit.

Heartless Doll, however, offers truly thoughtful and witty topics to chew on - stuff I wish I could have come up with! Here's a sample of recent post topics:

"Nuns: Too sexy for their habits"
"Google Earth proves cows are secretly magnets"
"Is Paula a cold-hearted snake?"

I should also mention that there are many more in the Heartless Doll blogger gang, and not just Andrea Grimes. But while we're on the subject: out with it, Andrea! The jig is up! Are you in Austin? And if so, can we hang out please.

Let's talk about Project Chanology.

I knew I had seen these masks before.

But I didn't know what they meant. Until tonight that is, with the help of South Park and Wikipedia.

So around February of this year, I was driving down Guadalupe. I can't remember where I was headed, but I do remember seeing a whole block of these people in front of the UT Campus, wearing freaky masks and holding posters. One of them was holding a poster that said, "Honk if you hate Xenu." They were standing across the street from the Church of Scientology, on Guadalupe and 22nd St.

Fast-forward: R. and I are watching an old South Park tonight, one (of the many) where they were ripping on Scientology. It's the one where everyone thinks Stan is the second coming of L. Ron Hubbard, and the like, President of Scientology or something walks Stan through Scientologist doctrine: you know, aliens, space ships, volcanoes, etc. Then a tagline appeared at the bottom of the screen that said, "This is what Scientologists actually believe."

Being the Wikipedia nerd I am, I jumped up and grabbed my laptop just to confirm it for myself. Here is a segment from the Wikipedia entry:

"75 million years ago Xenu brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and..."

...And do you really need to hear anything else? Well, ok:

"...and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together, stuck to the bodies of the living and continue to do this today."

Well, I think that pretty much says it all. (Even so, I thought you should still see a Scientology video of the whole volcano thing. Yes, I found this through Austin's very own Scientology website.)

But what I wanted to tell you guys about was not Scientology, but Project Chanology.

So on that same Wikipedia article, I came across this intriguing sub-entry that said "Scientology and the Internet." I clicked on it, and there's a guy wearing one of those Guy Fawkes/V from V for Vendetta masks. Apparently, in January, February, and April of this year, a group dubbing themselves "Project Chanology" (an offshoot of the larger, more well-known group Anonymous) launched a world-wide protest against Scientology - including one right here in Austin, y'all!

I'm just really fascinated by the whole internet-organized global protest thing. This group is made up of people from at least - but not limited to - Berlin, Paris, Dublin, London, and AUSTIN. And in addition to the street protests, they apparently disabled Scientology's computer server, sent black faxes, and...RICKROLLED!!!

Guys! Project Chanology IS responsible for the "rickroll" phenomenon. You know, you get a link to a seemingly relevant site, click on it, and suddenly you're greeted by Rick Astley singing "Never Gonna Give You Up." Why, I'm not entirely sure. It's connection to Scientology? Again: fuzzy. If everyone's figured this out already and I'm just now catching on - sorry. But I'm going to sit here and be pumped for a minute, now that I've discovered the origin of rickrolling. Whoa!

Ok, so. Project Chanology's last big public demonstration was June 2008, in a protest involving pirate costumes. Again...pirates? What? Does it matter? All I know is: It's not the last protest. And as a matter of fact, here locally, more stuff is going down this summer.

The hot homeless girl

There is something wrong with my friends and I.

This past Friday night at R's surprise party (yep - surprise! Pulled off by me, biggest blabbermouth ever!), a few of us Hyde Park residents began discussing this girl. Let's call her "Jeanie." Not her real name, but trust me, she looks like a Jeanie. We were telling our non-Hyde Park, South Austin-dwelling friend Kim about her. Here are some tidbits of that conversation.

"She's schizophrenic."

"I think it's a drug thing."

"She hates men."

As you can see, Jeanie doesn't have a reputation for being the cheeriest gal ever. (But when you are homeless, you sort of have that right). However, she also has this reputation...

"You know, if you cleaned her up, she'd be pretty hot."

Now, in any other group of friends, this would be the point where things would start to get weird. Eventually, one person would have the wherewithal to say, "hold on everybody - this girl has a tough time as it is, what with her homelessness and all, let's not add insult to injury by blatantly objectifying her." But not in my group.

"That's so true! She's really cute! Like, totally not bad for a homeless girl!"

Oh God.

But here's the thing: they're right.

Jeanie has really nice skin. Yes, I know she is evenly tan and tawny because she doesn't have shelter. I know it's wrong. But so be it. Jeanie is also physically fit. Why? No shelter! Or car! Always on the move. I know what you're thinking, and yes I'm a little sick.

But I'm going to keep going. Jeanie also has: short brown hair that is mysteriously clean for being homeless, brown eyes, and not to harp or anything, but seriously really pretty skin - not a zit in sight. I know - shame on me! I can't stop sizing her up for one second to pity her situation! But I notice these things, and guys, I would notice it on anyone.

I pass Jeanie on the sidewalk from time to time. I think we're roughly the same age. She doesn't really say much to me, and I never really thought she was homeless, just a little eccentric. Which I like in people. And, she has a tendency to mutter (but then I have a tendency to eavesdrop: so, all good).

The facts became more clear, however, when R. saw her walking around the neighborhood with a sleeping bag. And then, our friend Beaux found her little camp-out area behind Hyde Park Bar and Grill where he works (I think she chased him off). That's when it became startingly clear that Jeanie was, in fact, without house.

Now, Hyde Park has some characters, so if Jeanie was going to hang out anywhere, this is the place. We didn't find it too terribly odd, for example, when our friend Jeremy was standing outside our house, talking on his phone, and Jeanie stopped on the sidewalk to turn, point, and berate him. I wasn't there, but Jeremy said it was along the lines of "you're a MAN and you can rot in HELL." Well, there you go. She also warned Beaux, also unprovoked, not to rape her (why? Because she's kinda hot!) after which we began to "detect a pattern" if you will.

So my last face-to-face with Jeanie happened a few days ago, and this is why I kinda like her. R. and I were leaving Hyde Park Bar and Grill, walking through the parking lot that goes behind La Dolce Vita, a gelaterie. Jeanie walks up, an expectant expression on her face. She looks right past R. (who is a man, keep in mind), focuses on me, and asks if I have any money. Why?

"I just...really want an ice cream."

In the midst of unemployment, not having a home, and having terrible people who blatantly objectify you behind your back in the face of some seriously awful life circumstances, it's nice to know that Jeanie still has a taste for the frivolous. For the simple, silly things that won't substantially improve your lot in life, except maybe bring a smile to your face. I gave her some bills on the spot.

Don't ya wish your unrequited-love-crush was hot like me?

Here at Quacks in Hyde Park, under the pretense of writing stories for Rare. (P.S. - The "Rarest of them All" issue of Rare Magazine, with winners written up by yours truly, is on newsstands now! Look for the cool, collage-looking cover designed by Austin local Missi Jay). Am also anticipating the possible arrival of new friend/long-time girl crush, "Chloe," whom I've talked about before.

Saw Chloe at the gym this morning, and can't remember if I told everyone or not, but we're pals now! As in, have exchanged real names and salutations. Right here at the coffee shop. And, Chloe is utterly delightful. Which is good, because there's always that risk you run with crushes: that the sexy, perfect persona you've built up for them in your mind is nothing like the somewhat disappointing individual they are, once they've opened their mouths.

Anyway, it just now occurred to me that should Chloe and I become actual buddies, I have to stop blogging about her. Which would ruin all the fun! I've already accepted that she'll probably conclude I'm incredibly creepy someday. But who cares? I sort of am. Why not embrace it. However it would breach the rules of friendship to keep on broadcasting to the world my imaginary assumptions about my long-time girl crush / friend, right? (Not that poor R. has escaped this fate -- at least with him I tell it like it is, such as his propensity for vacuuming up flies).

Anyway, for now, I'll let her live in ignorant bliss.

**Edited to add:** Chloe actually did show up at the coffee shop. And yes I had to furiously change windows on my computer right before she walked up and saw me writing about her, stalker-style.

Jolie-Pitt Clan IN AUSTIN!

Umm.....so Brangelina & Co. have touched down in AUSTIN, y'all.

Check out Angie and Maddox strolling through Bergstrom Airport, here:

http://laineygossip.com/Angelina_Jolie_Gerard_Darel_pregnancy_fashion.aspx

Her boobs are mystifyingly amazing in an otherwise nondescript peasant dress, no? Further proof she is not mortal.

Also, parents who send their kids to an Austin daycare received the following notice:

"For a short term period beginning in later February, a very high profile family will enroll their preschool children at our center. Over the next few weeks, you may notice extra security around the center. The security is for everyone's safety. The family has asked that they be treated like everyone else...." (Source - LaineyGossip.com)

And finally, from Dallas Morning News a few hours ago:

"Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have brought their family down South for some Texas hospitality. OK! Magazine reports that the couple and their four children, soon to be five, have settled on a 270-acre ranch in Smithville, about 29 miles southeast of Austin.

Mr. Pitt is said to be shooting a movie called Tree of Life, also starring Sean Penn. Residents said they have seen the couple at Wal-Mart, with Mr. Pitt sporting a buzz cut for the film. OK! reports that Ms. Jolie is at least five or six months pregnant, so she could give birth in Texas."

What what! A Texan Jolie-Pitt? Lord have mercy!

Would anyone be surprised if their cute, diverse, creative little family fell in love with our cute, diverse, creative little city? I for one would not.

Do you have sighting reports? Please send!

Chloe, Life Twin

I've blogged about this girl before.

I've never spoken to her. But I've felt for a long time that she is my "life twin." You know - that random person who basically has your life, only you've never met? You like all the same things, go all the same places, maybe know similar people?

Her name is Chloe. At least, it is in my mind. It hasn't been confirmed because I've never summoned the courage to open my mouth around her. I used to always see her at Quacks, once at Buffalo Exchange, and now regularly at my very commercial, very un-hipster gym. The best memory I have of Chloe is watching her check-in at the gym's front desk, stride confidently into the dressing room, pose in front of the full-length mirror to evaluate her killer outfit, and waltz right back out. Imagine! A gym membership, just for the huge mirror! It was so vain and fabulous. She won my heart on the spot.

These days however, I have actually seen Chloe utilizing the work-out equipment at my gym. Looking adorable, of course...just like I would expect of my life twin! And, formerly a towhead with long, charmingly scraggly locks a la Mary Kate Olsen, she now has shorter red hair, natch.

Someday, I'll introduce myself. Someday, I'll say, "you know what! I have seen you traipsing around Hyde Park for years!" I guess it's not really all that unusual to keep running into people who apparently share your neighborhood, now is it? Still: it's neat to consistently cross paths with someone who isn't exactly your acquaintance (I believe that would at least require a mutual exchange of first names), but you feel like you sorta know already.

I am aware it's a slippery slope to "stalking," Reader! But admit it: haven't you ever consistently bumped into someone around town / your neighborhood / your nightlife haunts, and thought, simply, "I bet we would get along."

That's how I feel about Chloe.